A Female of My Own Species

I have always had these sadis­tic urges within me, but I always con­trolled them because I con­sid­ered them evil and myself as emo­tion­ally dis­fig­ured. It was my duty to pro­tect the women who trusted me from myself. I was too good at it, though, because the stronger my urges the more I shut down emo­tion­ally. It reached a point that I would not feel a thing, emo­tion­ally, mak­ing love to a woman.

One day, I became friends with a very spe­cial woman and I call her “the spi­der” because, well, I feel like it.

She sensed some­thing in me and one day con­fronted me:

“You want to hurt me.”

I could not believe my ears. Who says some­thing like that? How do you respond to some­thing like that? What fol­lowed was a super­nova of a fight. I was offended that she would sug­gest that I was this… this… this mon­ster. No, I was not offended: I was furi­ous beyond belief.

She stood her ground, often with tears in her eyes, and the more I (emo­tion­ally) abused her, demand­ing she explain her­self, demand­ing she retract her vile lies, the angrier I was at her, the more she glowed. I hurt her, she was hurt­ing, and she kept on com­ing back to weakly whis­per, “You want to hurt me.”

And she glowed. She glowed. I had never seen any­thing like it.

It was a stormy friend­ship, indeed.

One day I had a melt-​down and I vowed to myself never to speak to her again. I can­not hon­estly remem­ber how the tor­rents within me flowed and I can­not account for how the key actu­ally turned, but I returned to her that night and with a shaky voice exclaimed that, “I want to rip your skin and fuck you through the wound!”

It was as if she had given birth to me and she con­tin­ued to nurse me while I regained my equi­lib­rium. I have never been the same after that. In a way she gave me life and I am indebted to her. She and I have since then lost con­tact and I doubt I will ever seek her out even to reminisce.

She was a masochist and it was like I had grown up on an island with only boys being igno­rantly con­tent, and then one day meet­ing a girl. Imag­ine the mag­ni­tude of it: here was a crea­ture that had an “innie” where I had an “outie,” par­don the juve­nile metaphor, a body and a mind that was per­fectly com­ple­men­tary to my needs, and a heart that did not only invite the dark­ness in me but even thrive on it.

The sense of com­ing home was unbear­able, the real­iza­tion that there are in fact beau­ti­ful crea­tures out there that will accept me, not in spite of my emo­tional dis­fig­ure­ment, but because of it, was mind-​altering.

She showed me the most beau­ti­ful thing in the world, some­thing I will always be grate­ful for: a female of my own species.