Gen­tle­Spirit: I Pray

Gen­tle­Spirit asked me to read some­thing she wrote this morn­ing. I did so while she looked at me intently. Once I was done, she asked what I thought. My response: “You fuck­ing made me cry.”

I never feared death until now. I have tried to be log­i­cal about it. I have only asked God to give me enough time to raise my son.

I have asked him to give me enough time that he won’t be per­ma­nently scarred as I am all he has. He needs me, for now, but my deal with God has always been this: “God, please give me enough time to raise him, to see him into man­hood, if you please give me this, I will not ask for more.”

Let’s be real­is­tic about it that in itself is a gift. Every day is a gift. My pur­pose was to raise my son, and hav­ing the oppor­tu­nity to love him, be his mother, the priv­i­lege of rais­ing him and know­ing that feel­ing of uncon­di­tional love was more than most peo­ple could ask for.

Now, though, I have found some­thing else. Some­thing for me. A dif­fer­ent love than mater­nal love, but one just as ful­fill­ing nonetheless.

I never thought that there could be a love as com­pelling as the love for a child. This love though while dif­fer­ent is just as ful­fill­ing, just as com­pelling. It is fill­ing me, strength­en­ing me. It is a giv­ing love, an accept­ing love. I feel pro­tected in the way I pro­tect my son.

I am every­thing for my son. I am his sta­bil­ity. I take care of his needs, I advise him, I help him, I cry when he hurts, I am his secu­rity and his safety.

My Dreamwalker gives all of this to me. I don’t feel alone, he makes me feel safe and loved and accepted. I have never received such a gift in all of my life, and never will I under­stand what on earth I ever did to deserve it. But, now… I beg you, God, for an extension.

I need to make a new deal, please.

I am so afraid that after find­ing this beau­ti­ful love, my beau­ti­ful Dreamwalker, that God is going to make good on our deal. Spir­i­tu­ally, I believe that the spirit never dies, that we become some­thing else and move to our next des­ti­na­tion. I just hope to take that jour­ney with Dreamwalker, after we have lived a long life together. I want to ask God for an exten­sion. Please.

I know it is self­ish, but if you could just give me this. I am afraid that death will take him from me or me from him. I fear this so much because in my heart I know that only death will sep­a­rate us.

It seems irra­tional, but it is the one unknown, the one thing that we can be cer­tain will hap­pen, but none of us know when. Brings to mind Win­nie the Pooh and the quote… “If you live to be 100, I hope to live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live with­out you.”

That’s it. I have found some­thing that has been given to me by God and only God can take it away from me. And I pray a new prayer,

“Please God, don’t take it away. I know what I promised, and as that day draws closer, I want to beg you to give us our time together.

“We have just found each other, we will do good things in our lives together. We will help oth­ers. I will never take any day for granted, but please, give us time, keep us safe in your light.”

I Pray.