Q: I Am a Hope­less Roman­tic. Can I Still Be a Dominant?

A: I am a die-​hard roman­tic too. A roman­tic sadist, no less. I even write poetry; how more gushy can you get? Recently sushi_​wa even com­mented that she was begin­ning to won­der if I am more fem­i­nine than her. Per­ish the thought.

It has never occurred to me that it would be a bad thing to be roman­tic. I am sex­ist in that women are magical to me simply because they are women. I love the way they think and how con­nected they are with them­selves and with oth­ers. I love how soft and warm they are in my arms. How could I not feel roman­tic in the pres­ence of a vibrant, elec­tric woman?

Of course I have my share of detrac­tors, both male and female, that can­not make sense of me. Not that I mind. After all, you have not arrived until you have a healthy col­lec­tion of peo­ple that dis­like you. Unfor­tu­nately, I am told that some may be intimidated even though I am a big teddy bear; I am only gnarly on the inside, my out­side is cud­dly and friendly and quite goofy. Luck­ily, there are a few, scat­tered glo­ri­ous indi­vid­u­als that are near­sighted enough to tol­er­ate me, my quirks, and my shenanigans.

In fact, when I shed my masks and stopped wor­ry­ing about peo­ple (read: women) lik­ing me and just started being myself all the time, I started meet­ing the most incred­i­ble peo­ple. It does not mat­ter if she is out of my league or if she is sub­mis­sive or a switch or dom­i­nant or even a fel­low sadist; when she accepts my touch, she is my female and we will fig­ure out our dynamic together as we go along. She will come away bruised but when is ever a male savor­ing and tak­ing his female, no mat­ter how aggres­sive and invasive he is, not romantic?

I do not com­part­men­tal­ize or turn aspects of me on or off; I am me all the time. And just like any human being, I express myself and what I feel in ways that feel right and appro­pri­ate from moment to moment. To me, it is about the con­nec­tion between a man and a woman, not between a dom and a sub, or a sadist and a masochist.

Why make an arti­fi­cial dis­tinc­tion between the dom­i­nant in you and the man? Being dom­i­nant is not about being boor­ish and demand­ing sub­mis­sion; it is about giv­ing her a con­text in which she feels safe enough to express her­self and to simply be her­self. She is sub­mis­sive; just let her be her­self by being yourself.

Long before she offers her sub­mis­sion, she will already sub­mit to you in sub­tle and not-​so-​subtle ways. Unfor­tu­nately, if you wait for her to hit you over the head with her sub­mis­sion, she has already gone too far out on her limb and prob­a­bly feels aban­doned. If you pay atten­tion to her, she will tell you every­thing that is going on with­out ever say­ing a word.

Try to think of it from the woman’s point of view. Romance is so much more than grand ges­tures; it is also about being seen and heard and cher­ished and desired. And few women will balk at aggres­sion in a man that is rooted in his desire for her. That is of course predicated on her inter­est in you.

Many a lady will feel ret­i­cent about offer­ing some­thing that she feels should be taken. It is so pre­cious to her that she needs to know that you will not drop the ball. She should not have to prove her­self to you; if anything, you should prove your­self to her.

It is about being sen­si­tive to the moments when the absence of “No” means “Yes.” Try to think a lit­tle less and to trust your instincts more; the male in you will com­mu­ni­cate with and under­stand the female in her much bet­ter than you can imagine.