Q: Is Sub­mis­sion A Gift?

A: Sub­mis­sion is a gift but not in the way you may first think. It is a gift you give to yourself.

I often use the phrase “gift of sub­mis­sion” in poetry and lyri­cal prose because it is a well-​received roman­tic cliché that evokes a sense of demure grace, inno­cent in its devo­tion. It con­veys purity of heart in the sub­mis­sive and honor in the one whom she has cho­sen to receive her gift.

In poetry, metaphors and sim­i­les are a sav­ing grace when con­vey­ing vis­ceral emo­tions and expe­ri­ences. Still, I want to show that what goes on behind the scenes is even more beau­ti­ful than a sim­ple roman­tic cliché. What goes on when a beau­ti­ful, vibrant, elec­tric woman sub­mits is so much more pro­found than the giv­ing of a gift, no mat­ter how precious.

Yes, a sub­mis­sive may feel that sub­mit­ting to her dom­i­nant is like giv­ing him the pre­cious gift of her will, of her, to com­mand and to use. Espe­cially since she will not sub­mit to just any­body, but to that one, spe­cial per­son that has proven to be wor­thy of that gift.

Expand­ing on that line of thought, it fol­lows then that the dom­i­nant wor­thy if her sub­mis­sion is gift­ing her with his dom­i­nance. Just like her atten­tion and her sub­mis­sion is a gift, he is giv­ing her his atten­tion and care. He is trad­ing safety and his trust­wor­thi­ness for her com­pli­ancy and loy­alty. It becomes a transaction.

There is noth­ing wrong with treat­ing the mutual gift­ing of sub­mis­sion and dom­i­nance as a trans­ac­tion. The whole term Power Exchange implies a trans­ac­tion of per­sonal power. It is given and taken and given back in a feed­back loop of sorts. The sub­mis­sive gives her power to her dom­i­nant who becomes a prism through which both hers and his power are focused back on her.

View­ing sub­mis­sion as a gift actu­ally makes a lot of sense, con­sid­er­ing that the sub­mis­sive can at any time with­draw her con­sent, her gift if you will, and the cascade-​effect will cease. And this mech­a­nism is often used to prove that sub­mis­sives have much more power in rela­tion­ships than they may think. If the sub­mis­sive does not want to play, there sim­ply is no play.

Yes, I am focus­ing purely on the forces within a con­sen­sual dom­i­nant and sub­mis­sive inter­ac­tion. Co-​dependency and domes­tic abuse can com­pel the sta­blest and strongest minds to stay in dis­eased rela­tion­ships. An abu­sive rela­tion­ship is to a D/​s rela­tion­ship like rape is to mak­ing love.

Hav­ing said that, it both­ers me to think that a mag­nif­i­cent sub­mis­sive woman is some­how giv­ing me a gift when she is really being the most true to her­self. She has been brought up in a soci­ety that says that women who are sub­mis­sive are weak and are betray­ing the ideals that have gone far, albeit not yet far enough, to give women equal respect and oppor­tu­ni­ties to those that men enjoy.

She has had to strug­gle against the stream to take own­er­ship of her own desires; she has endured self-​doubt and pain and pos­si­bly shame to get to the point where she can admit that she is sub­mis­sive. The jour­ney of self-​discovery has been hard on some and eas­ier on oth­ers, but the large major­ity of sub­mis­sives have had to travel that path. Her sub­mis­sion is hard-​earned and she did not ven­ture on that jour­ney for any­body but her­self. The fruits of her labor are hers to enjoy.

Some say that being sub­mis­sive is a female sur­vival strat­egy to ensure that her mate will stay with her by pleas­ing him and adding value to his every­day life. I do not have the req­ui­site degrees to argue for or against that idea, but I can­not imag­ine that I am the only one who feels that when a woman sub­mits to me, she is doing it for her­self and not as a gift to me or as a bribe for my attention.

And that is exactly the way I want it. I can­not imag­ine it any other way.

It is so easy to get tan­gled up in defin­ing sub­mis­sion in terms of acts that the sub­mis­sive per­forms for her dom­i­nant, and acts that she sub­mits to being per­formed on her by him. But that is only what is vis­i­ble on the sur­face. The dynamic in the rela­tion­ship between a dom­i­nant and a sub­mis­sive is much more com­plex than the acts per­formed and so are the moti­va­tions that drive a woman to submission.

Sub­mis­sion is a strat­egy, a tool if you will, to dis­con­nect the sub­mis­sive from her crit­i­cal mind for a while, to gain respite when the buzzing of ideas and thoughts and to-​dos becomes deaf­en­ing and the act of mak­ing a sim­ple deci­sion becomes over­whelm­ing because she can­not stop think­ing of dif­fer­ent out­comes and con­se­quences, and can­not choose between them.

It is about not hav­ing to make deci­sions, even if only for a while. It is like don­ning an intel­lec­tual blind­fold where the sub­mis­sive trusts her dom­i­nant to lead her to her inner core, where she can open up and be vul­ner­a­ble with­out hav­ing to strug­gle with her own doubts and inse­cu­ri­ties. Sub­mit­ting is a way to not even be able to dis­please sim­ply because she is not allowed to.

Sub­mis­sion is a tac­tic to quiet the submissive’s mind. It is a vehi­cle to quiet the buzzing of thoughts and ideas swarm­ing within her aware­ness. That qui­et­ing is the moment of focus, the moment between heart­beats that the ath­lete waits for to make the jump, the moment of clar­ity that allows you to step on the bridge of sus­pended dis­be­lief and to make it safely from here to there.

Through the intel­lec­tual blind­fold of sub­mis­sion, her aware­ness descends into the dark­ness of her emo­tional womb and she find parts of her­self that are warmer, more pri­mal, more fem­i­nine, even. Sub­mit­ting is not a fem­i­nine act in itself, but it is a path for a fem­i­nine being to con­nect with the ele­men­tal fem­i­nine deep inside, and that is what the draw is for many women. I imag­ine the same is more or less true for male sub­mis­sives, although I con­fess I have not thought much on that side of the coin; I am too cap­ti­vated by the ele­men­tal feminine.

When a submissive’s dom­i­nant takes her wrist just so, and whis­pers in her ear just so, that is where it all becomes real. That is the key to sur­ren­der, to let­ting go, to release her crit­i­cal mind like a bal­loon leav­ing a child’s hand, soar­ing up into the blue void. That is when she can melt and flow her emo­tions all over him, cov­er­ing it all to per­ceive every­thing. And for a while not to think, to just be, to feel, to be all of the pri­mal female that she is.

As much as sub­mis­sion is con­veyed through acts and demeanor, deep down it is about how pro­foundly affected she is by him. It is about how they con­nect and how eas­ily and com­pletely she lets go in his pres­ence. It is about together cre­at­ing an emo­tional con­text in which she feels safe enough and sup­ported enough to retreat into her body and be uncon­cerned with the exter­nal world. To lose sight of every­thing else and focus all her atten­tion inwards on how she is affected by him.

It is not some cocka­mamie dom­i­nant fan­tasy about the sub­mis­sive focus­ing solely on his plea­sure. No, she enjoys his use of her but her atten­tion is on her­self. Her view of him is through the effects he has on her. Just like you can­not see the wind but through the rustling of the leaves on the trees, she expe­ri­ences his touch through rip­ples of the pond of her aware­ness and body.

That is what sub­mis­sion is about; it is about expe­ri­enc­ing and feel­ing. It is about the sub­mis­sive div­ing deep into her­self to con­nect with her inner radi­ant core. It is not about for­get­ting her­self or her needs or dimin­ish­ing her­self; good heav­ens, no. It is about cel­e­brat­ing what she is and what she is capa­ble of so strongly and deeply that she can­not be bur­dened by sim­ple things like think­ing or mak­ing deci­sions or wor­ry­ing about where to go from here.

It is about her tak­ing her dominant’s hand and let­ting him guide her through expe­ri­ences and feel­ings too pro­found to walk the path by her­self. And while he is focused on lead­ing her and guid­ing her and ensur­ing her safety, she rewards him and con­nects with him by nar­rat­ing her jour­ney through her reac­tions, through her respon­sive­ness, through the grace with which she follows.

He is lead­ing so that she can fol­low and focus on her feel­ings and every­thing she can pos­si­bly expe­ri­ence. She del­e­gates respon­si­bil­ity of her body and her mind to him so that her heart and her soul can take flight.

No mat­ter how roman­tic the notion, sub­mis­sion is not a gift. It is an expres­sion of a capac­ity for deep inner beauty and the strength and courage and will­ing­ness to be open and vul­ner­a­ble. It is a way to achieve an unprece­dented level of con­nec­tion and inti­macy with another human being who is not your oppo­site but your per­fect complement.

And it is awfully sexy.