Q: What are Your Sexual/​Relationship Goals For the Next Chap­ter of Your Life?

A: Heh, the only sex­ual goal I ever had in my life was to lose my vir­gin­ity. I accom­plished that at age 15. After that, my only goal has been to make the lady want me again the very next day.

I once said this to a fel­low sadist:

I think that might be the golden rule of thumb in assess­ing suc­cess for the likes of us; the lady may ques­tion her san­ity at the time, but when every­thing is said and done, she should shyly, or not so shyly, ask when we can do it again. She may be glad that the ordeal is over, but the next day, or the next week, she should be think­ing about it, reliv­ing it, feel­ing her skin tin­gle for that par­tic­u­lar touch, feel­ing her heart tin­gle for that par­tic­u­lar emo­tion again. If that is not you suc­cess­fully tak­ing pos­ses­sion of her, I don’t know what is.

Actu­ally, I believe that I am in fact form­ing a goal recently, a sexual/​relationship goal. I have had occa­sion to think a lot about it lately.

One day, I will meet a woman that I will want to take total and com­plete own­er­ship of and who wants to sur­ren­der her­self to me as… prop­erty, for lack of a bet­ter term.

I speak a lit­tle about the back­ground to that in my piece Vio­lence in the Gar­den by Polly Peachum. I was explor­ing the con­cept in depth with a young lady a while ago and also the pos­si­bil­i­ties of emo­tional sadism in erotic humil­i­a­tion and degra­da­tion. The lat­ter (humil­i­a­tion and degra­da­tion of some­one you love) was a real eye-​opener for me because I have always been vocal about my strong oppo­si­tion of the concept.

What can I say? If I learn new facts about some­thing and that causes me to reeval­u­ate my posi­tion on things, I have no prob­lem chang­ing my mind pub­li­cally. I won’t stick to old opin­ions just because I’m wor­ried about what peo­ple may think about me. I’m more wor­ried about being right than appear­ing right.

To me as a sadist, the holy grail is not her total sub­mis­sion but her ulti­mate sur­ren­der. It is to take away her abil­ity to say “stop” or “no.” Or rather, to cre­ate an emo­tional con­text in which where every­thing she says is advi­sory only and not imper­a­tive. To where her say­ing “no” or “stop” or fight­ing me are only indi­ca­tors of her emo­tional state, noth­ing more. To where she is utterly and com­pletely at my mercy. To where her sub­mis­sion is imma­te­r­ial because she is my belonging.

I wrote this to my friend Swarm a while ago when she asked about the term TPE (Total Power Exchange):

Some peo­ple throw around the master/​slave labels left and right and seem­ingly too friv­o­lously in my mind. Of course, what­ever rocks your boat is fine by me, but to me, a slave is prop­erty and it’s a rela­tion­ship that is stronger and more per­ma­nent than mar­riage. If she gives her­self to you as prop­erty, she is indeed that. Prop­erty as a cher­ished trea­sure, but still prop­erty. What­ever she has is yours, what­ever she is, is yours; she may be higher on the property-​chain and you may cher­ish her but she belongs to you.

A TPE can go out­side the “nor­mal” d/​s dynamic, in that a dom or a sadist can very well be a slave, or prop­erty. Their sub­mis­sion is imma­te­r­ial because they aren’t given the choice to sub­mit. Of course, most peo­ple don’t sub­scribe to the ide­al­ized def­i­n­i­tions of slave/​property and/​or choose to deal with it in a more play­ful way. After all, you can’t legally own any­one, so a slave can just walk out the door, or call the police, and the house of cards comes tum­bling down.

Still, there’s a lot to be said for sus­pen­sion of dis­be­lief. If there is enough trust going both ways, peo­ple can indeed cre­ate a bub­ble of pure owner/​property dynamic that will weather even seri­ous rela­tion­ship problems.

I am still very much work­ing on a frame­work that will work with and for me in this respect. I am not a “mas­ter” or a “dom” so I am com­ing from a dif­fer­ent emo­tional space. The demon in me is more likely to look at her as a sac­ri­fice, as some­thing to feed on, as a toy for amuse­ment, rather than a ser­vant or a slave or out­right property.

Last year, I said this to the same fel­low sadist from ear­lier when we were talk­ing about chok­ing in particular:

Invit­ing sus­pen­sion of dis­be­lief is not cheat­ing, my friend. Real­ity is sub­jec­tive and as such it is mal­leable and sub­ject to inter­pre­ta­tion. Real­ity is what hap­pens in your mind and at the moment of black­ing out, her real­ity is that you have con­trol of her breath­ing, of life itself.

And it is that much more mag­i­cal when you your­self “for­get” that you can­not pos­si­bly hold her and sur­ren­der to the joint real­ity that you are cre­at­ing in the moment. It is within that cocoon of designer-​reality that both of you con­nect and expe­ri­ence each other. It is within that cocoon that your rela­tion­ship exists at that moment and that is all that counts, after all.

Imag­ine her expe­ri­ence the moments before she blacks out. It is a way to quiet her mind, a vehi­cle to quiet the buzzing of thoughts and ideas swarm­ing inside her aware­ness. That qui­et­ing is the moment of focus, the moment between heart­beats that the ath­lete waits for to make the jump, the moment of clar­ity that allows her to step on the bridge of sus­pended dis­be­lief and to make it safely from here to there.

And you are there, mak­ing it hap­pen for her. Through the intel­lec­tual blind­fold of sub­mis­sion, of relin­quish­ing all con­trol, her aware­ness descends into the dark­ness of her emo­tional womb and she finds parts of her­self that are warmer, more pri­mal, more fem­i­nine, even.

Can it get bet­ter than that?