Q: What Do Sadists Get Out of It?

A: Would you believe that I express affec­tion and love by inflict­ing pain? That mak­ing her scream and sur­ren­der to the tor­rents of emo­tion that well inside her­self is an act of car­ing and cherishing?

It’s not nearly as self­less as it sounds, though; I am aroused when she cringes and fights to stay put dur­ing my onslaught. If she tries to get away it pro­vokes a feline urge to play with my prey. That urge, in itself, is not to hurt her but to amuse myself with her, at her expense. Cruel or not? I am not so sure that it is significant.

It is pri­mar­ily sooth­ing to me, though. If you are or have been a smoker, you know how antsy and knot­ted you feel when you are past due for another fix; imag­ine the rush of relax­ation that flows over you and into you after a few drags. That’s how it feels, breath­ing in her pain. And it doesn’t have to be elab­o­rate or pro­longed; sur­rep­ti­tiously pinch­ing her nip­ple in pub­lic and lock­ing eyes with her and watch­ing her expres­sion shift from play­ful to con­cerned to agony to bit­ing her lip to sti­fle a cry, can be more than enough.

And imag­ine her push­ing her breast into your hand instead of try­ing to pull away. Imag­ine her thus word­lessly ask­ing for more, accept­ing you whole-​heartedly, swim­ming against the stream of instinct telling her to pull away from the pain. How can any­body be left cold by such acceptance?

I like to think of my drive as con­struc­tive rather than destruc­tive. If noth­ing else, then at least my drive is for the appre­ci­a­tion of beauty than to soil it. My drive is to com­mune with her, to con­nect with her, to own her expres­sion of how I impact her. To cher­ish her, to show my appre­ci­a­tion of every­thing that is her by com­pelling her to let go in her mind and her heart, so that she is free to feel and per­ceive every­thing that she is capa­ble of. To con­trol her expe­ri­ence and to allow her to soar even though she is in my grip.

I think in terms of a sadist in that I ana­lyze her and eval­u­ate her and attempt to pre­dict her reac­tion to my con­trol­ling her body, and through it, her mind. As a sadist I don’t think so much in terms of lead­ing her and com­pelling her to per­form for me; I think about how to assume con­trol of her emo­tions and take from her, use her, devour her.