To me, sadism is not about pain, per se, but about affecting my lover profoundly. I feed on her response to me; it is when she responds to my touch that I feel the most alive. It is as if I am a ghost that becomes real when I make her see me.
Outside of play, outside of that intimate connection, I feed my need to be seen, to be relevant, to be responded to, through writing. I write; that’s how I justify my existence. I paint my soul onto others’ eyes with my words.
